Fidel Castro's Diary - October 20

Dear Diary:

Getting old sucks. Lenin had the right idea. He doesn't look like he's aged a day since 1924. Perhaps a few hours a day in formaldehyde could help me preserve my youth too.

But then there's also the lack of energy. It was only a few years ago when I could give seven, eight hour speeches to my adoring people and it would seem like no time went by at all. Now I can barely speak for two uninterrupted hours before I get winded. What's the point?

I wonder if anyone is ever going to realize that the reason for my lengthy speeches was to watch the crowds sit there, and after a few hours, see them need to have to urinate, but be afraid to walk out and risk the trip to the Combinado del Este by incurring my displeasure. Ha! That was such a laugh! I know they used to wonder how I could go so long without needing to pee. They'll all admire me the more for my fantastic sense of humor when they find out I wore diapers during my speeches. I'll save that bit of information for my memoirs which I'll have published posthumously.

I better call Raoul this afternoon and make sure he hasn't screwed up anything today.

Still no call from Obama. I don't understand it. The Tea Party keeps saying he's a socialist and I know he's interested in health care reform, so who better to ask for advice than me? Under my rule, Cuba has more doctors per capita than any other country on earth! We send doctors to Brazil for weapons, we export doctors to Venezuela for oil. During the last food shortage, we were able to use a few for emergency ration meat and no one noticed. If anyone knows about providing medical care to the poor, it's me. It's easy, you just make sure everybody in the whole country is poor, including the doctors!

Phone's ringing. Got to go.

Who is it? ..

Ahmadinejad? Shit. Him again? I better take it. I hate the bastard, but they have oil. Good thing the crazy Iranian maricon has a crush on me. I'll try to talk him into toning things down, like the crazy mother will listen. He's the kind of guy who gives totalitarian dictators a bad name.

That's all for now, dear Diary.

Fidel